Is Second Life Shaking up Your Marriage? You’re Not Alone
As my blog has evolved over the past year or so, I’ve noticed some remarkable and possibly alarming trends in the search terms used by my readers to find it. Whether this is indicative of my burgeoning bevy of blog posts related to the topic or it’s facilitated by an increase in the preponderance of these personal ordeals, I’ve yet to conclude. But I thought I’d share with you a snapshot of the search terms used to find my blog just today. See if you notice a pattern:
meetup.com wife swapping
the boredom of long life marriages
are you in love with your second life avatar?
husband sl addiction
sl broken marriages
second life divorce
second life friend’s online
believes sl is rl
has second life broken up real life relationships?
polyamory divorce
For those who have followed my blog for awhile, this may seem like review as I’ve written about this issue before in different context. But I was so struck by today’s search terms that I felt it warranted another look. Because, as you can see from the list, it appears to be an epidemic of sorts: Second Life is having a huge impact on marriages and relationships all over the world. And more often than not people do not view the effects as positive.
So what gives? Why are so many people–men and women alike–falling in love online while still married to others in real life?
Now here is where I’m going to get controversial (bring on your contrarian views, my lovelies…all opinions are welcome here). In my [disclaimer: non professional] opinion it is because we have an unrealistic and outdated view of what long term relationships should bring us. I believe this is left over from the definitions of marriage handed down to us by our churches and our families–from an age when power dynamics and earning potential was distributed very differently.
In essence, in days past men were often the breadwinners (read “hunters & gatherers“) while women stayed home to raise the family and tend to the household. This dynamic favored long term commitments and partnerships based more on function than on the fever of infatuation or romance (aka love). That isn’t to say our grandparents weren’t in love. I’m simply suggesting it was a different kind of love based more on mutual admiration and utilitarian constructs than on weak-in-the-knees, heart melting passion.
So how does this tie back to Second Life? Well I think we’ve come to erroneously expect our marriages and long term partnerships to bring us not only functional families, but romance, passion, desire, and amazing sex “till death do us part.” And how’s that working for us? Clearly, it’s not. When we’re faced with alternatives, like the secretary down the hall or that Second Life honey on the next sim, we are often drawn to options other than our real life partners. And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
You may be surprised to learn there is terminology that covers this phenomenon: it’s called New Relationship Energy (NRE). Basically it means the very real, very physical sensations elicited by attractions we have for new people in our lives. In the polyamory community, it is perfectly normal to experience these feelings alongside a longer, more established relationship. But most of us haven’t drank that koolaid yet, although admittedly I have and my marriage–and my self esteem–has never been stronger as a result.
I want to ask that if you’re reading this because your marriage or partnership has been affected by your partner’s romantic escapades in Second Life take this moment to open your mind and really ask yourself what you’re expecting your partner to bring to you long-term. Have you ever complained that “the romance is gone” from your marriage or that your partner no longer makes you weak in the knees? This doesn’t mean your relationship is necessarily over. It probably just means you’ve reached a new phase and have new things to learn and appreciate about your love.
And if you are the one who has found yourself feeling those stomach flips of a new crush, whether in Second Life or real life, try not to mistake that for an indication that you’ve finally found “the one” and you should toss out your long-term partner as yesterday’s garbage. What you’re probably feeling is simply the physical excitement of NRE and you should feel blessed and savor the swagger it adds to your step.
In summary (wow, I never summarize at the end of a post…must be important), use this experience as an opportunity to openly and honestly communicate with your partner or spouse what you’re experiencing. Try not to judge yourself, him, and/or her too harshly. Because all of these experiences are real and valid. They may indicate more serious and irreconcilable problems. Or perhaps they just mean you need to spice up your sex life and bring back the romance. Regardless, talk to each other. If necessary, find a good counselor to help you through it. Because only through self knowledge are we able to grow–and that’s as true for couples as it is for individuals.
Ravishal Bentham said,
July 13, 2008 at 9:21 am
When you love someone you are committed to that person, heart and soul. In marriage it is codified and there is an agreed contract between the partners. If you stray then you betray the other no matter how far you stray.
While I may feel close and have affection for others in SL it would never occur to me to commit my heart and my time to them to the detriment of my spouse. To do so is incredibly disrespectful of your RL partner. Honestly, you’re a dirty, lying cheat and in my eyes I would find you untrustworthy. Yes, I must concede a large percentage of people I know in SL do this and it has born out that they are in fact untrustworthy and unstable. I’ve been burned by the cheaters because they were lacking in character to begin with. When you leave the land of friendship and play and enter the land of betrayal you’re pretty much a lost cause. I’m wise enough now to limit my dealing with them and never get in a spot where I must trust them.
cindykesey said,
July 13, 2008 at 10:35 am
@Ravishal – Thank you for your comment. As I mentioned, I respect everyone’s right to their own opinion. One thing I think you’re missing in my summary here is that my husband is fully aware and supportive of my other relationships and I of his. This is why our behavior is not betrayal, cheating, nor disrespectful as that implies we are behaving dishonestly. On the contrary, we are completely open and honest in both our actions and our emotions. And this has brought a closeness to our relationship that did not exist before.
I notice you make several generalizations about people and marriage in your comment above. I caution you in that tendency and ask that you try to remember your opinions are and should be for your life alone. If exploring relationships out of your own marriage doesn’t work for you or your value system, then that’s great you recognize that and behave accordingly. But don’t form judgements or negative opinions of others simply because we don’t share your values. Each of us is entitled to our own set of values and deserves respect rather than labels like “a lying cheat,” “untrustworthy,” and “lacking in character.”
Your comment is very important because it exemplifies the very reason I began writing about these behaviors and experiences in my blog. Many people I’ve met are struggling with the types of value systems you hold and are making life affecting decisions simply because they are afraid to talk with their partners about the natural feelings and emotions they are experiencing. If people think they will be called “dirty, lying cheats” because they are honest about how they feel, they will not be honest and more harm may be done.
Ravishal Bentham said,
July 13, 2008 at 12:09 pm
My apologies for being somewhat general in my statements. Not everyone who forms bonds or partners in SL are necessarily cheating on their RL partners. It’s when they cross the line, and that line can be fuzzy, that it becomes a transgression. People accustomed to crossing over that line will cross the line in other parts of their lives, SL or RL.
In my personal life I have known people who left a marriage to be with their lover, only to have that person, or themselves wreck that relationship. Like the old story of the scorpion and the fox the scorpion will sting you and cause your demise. Old habits die hard and the pattern repeats, over and over.
Cybersex as an ethical dilemma « The PolyOldFart said,
July 17, 2008 at 9:05 pm
[...] Cybersex as an ethical dilemma Filed under: polyamory — Tags: cheating, cybersex — polyoldfart @ 4:05 am I’ve come across several articles about online sex and the discussion about whether it is or is not cheating. My local paper had something from their online sex columnist about it. Is Cybersex Cheating? I also found a Second Life blogger talking about the impact of online relationships. [...]
Berta said,
July 29, 2008 at 10:37 pm
My husband tossed me to the curb yesterday. He is bringing me to my sister’s on Friday. He is in SL every non-working waking moment.
Daxiong Ling said,
July 31, 2008 at 7:50 pm
There’s a song by sung by Frank Sinatra that kind of exemplifies some points you’re making, in particular the NRE (see below). Although I don’t have a grand point behind this, I think this song is an early attempt at pointing out the human condition. Call it a first step in moving forward.
Frank Sinatra – I Love My Wife Lyrics
My thoughts may stray
My eyes may roam
The neighbor’s grass may seem much greener
Than the grass right here at home
If pretty girls excite me
Well, that’s life
But just in case, you didn’t know
I love my wife
My mind at times
May dwell on sex
If someone’s rating dreams
Then most of mine I guess are double X
So dimpled knees delight me
Well, that’s life
But just in case, you hadn’t heard
I love my wife
Like bait that wriggles
And it makes catfish bite
A lady jiggles
And my eyes gotta light
Upon so sweet a sight
And if I shake
Break out in spots
Don’t fret, it’s not swine fever dear
Your swine has merely got the hots
If rosy lips invite me
Well, that’s life
But just in case, you couldn’t guess
I love my wife
My mind at times
May dwell on sex
If someone’s rating dreams
Then most of mine I guess are double X
If rosy lips invite me
Well, that’s life
But just in case, you couldn’t guess
Or hadn’t heard
Or didn’t know
I love my wife
I love my wife
I love my wife
Hurt First Lifer said,
August 6, 2008 at 3:49 pm
I agree, it is all about communication.
My wife is in SL all the time also. I feel she ranks SL as 80% importance
in her life and her first life at 20%. [ She sometimes "forgets" to have
lunch even. ]
I found out she was having an affair online by suspicious behavior
(when you walk into the room, do they hide the Second Life window
or zoom way out of the scene suddenly?).
When confronted with email evidence of multiple online affairs over time,
her first words were not “I’m sorry I did this – it is wrong”, but “I’m sorry you
found out – I didn’t mean to hurt you”.
As a result, I am having serious trust issues with her.
We are working through this – trying to rebuild our marriage.
cindykesey said,
August 6, 2008 at 9:32 pm
@Hurt First Lifer – I think you may be missing my point. I’m challenging all involved to ask themselves why both parties find themselves in this situation. Although conventional theory implies that, if the grass were just as green on our own sides of the fence, why would we wander to our neighbor’s pasture? However, that is an overly simplistic view, I realize. Why don’t you ask your wife with love and curiosity instead of “confront her with evidence” of her “online affair” and “suspicious behavior?”
Second Life, especially at first, can be almost addictive. I experienced that first hand. Yet is does lose its luster after awhile. If she has just discovered it, this is a great opportunity for you to open some channels of communication with her and ask her inquisitively about her new passion. If you accuse her, she will most likely be defensive and evasive.
Moi said,
August 18, 2008 at 2:34 pm
“Second Life, especially at first, can be almost addictive.”
Almost?
Very, very interesting post.
As usual.
betrayedbycybersex said,
August 25, 2008 at 9:03 am
Moi,
Cybersex can definately be addictive and also part of a larger picture – sex addiction. Sex addiction is not to be taken lightly.
BetrayedByCybersx
karen said,
September 11, 2008 at 12:14 am
my husband has been on second life for months. he d.j.’s at clubs on there and makes (real) money. About 10.00 dollars a night. He has been ignoring me forever and i got really mad one day and said i can’t take this anymore and i think we should separate. He in turn tells me how he has never cheated and loves me but we have grown apart. He thinks its a good idea. He ignores me but he was playing monopoly with some of his sl friends. I told him if thats what you want i will play monopoly with you. So he wants to separate and i no nothing other than him. I am 36 years old and have been married for 17 years. We have one son who is adhd and with the wrong crowd , failing school and does not care. We are in debt as most people are right now with gas and the economy in general. So what do i do? I have thought about pouring water in thee computer. haha any suggestions. This needs to be addressed on oprah or something. Why don’t people know the danger of this game. My husband met a guy with no arms on there and says he can be normal on the game. Well great , i’m happy for him but , what about people that are losing real lifes like me.
John said,
September 14, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Fascinating blog, let me tell you my story. Mid January 2008, my wife of 23 years discovered the SecondLife community and needless to say by the first week of August 2008, She left me, a fabulous lifestyle, a nice home and since our 4 kids our grown still left them in emotional pain and confusion. She chose to move into the city into a small 1 bedroom apartment with a network connection to her beloved SecondLife community. Now, don’t get me wrong, Secondlife has ligitimate use and from what I have seen of it, I find impressive by an artistic and technological point of view. In fact, I’ve seen commerce in all forms supported in the community. There are actually very nice people from all over the world and with the use of translators, the language barriers hardly exist. I won’t get too much more into niceties here. What I would like is to mention the darkside of this community.
As I mentioned, after 23 years of what I thought was a loving and somewhat supportive marriage, she left. Why? because she found numerous boyfriends in SecondLife who in her words mentally stimulated her in ways I did not. Interesting. But I also, accidentally found her having lets say web cam relaionships with these boyfriends. i’ll get into that more later.
Last year, my wife suffered a potentially fatal disease that required chemotherapy. Fortunately, she was able to beat the disease. Unfortunately, it’s believed that perhaps she suffered either some sort of brain damage or psychological damage. Hence, the choice of virtual reality over “physical” reality,
Ok, now back to the SecondLife issue. What I found significantly out of character for my wife was her blatant deception and destruction to her integrity, self respect and dignity. Here is why I came to this conclusion, I am 49, she is 53. Not a bad looking woman and fairly good personality but nonetheless, 53. Not exactly a spring chicken and not exactly pleasing erotically. Yes, the webcam stuff involved full nudity and sexual mutual masturbation and she actually captured and recorded this stuff. I found that stuff after she left.
Let me give a little history of our marriage, 4 kids a combination of hers, mine and ours and all were raised by she an I. We’re an upper middleclass family and have been blessed with bieng able to do the things we enjoy.
I made a terrible mistake about 12 years ago and had a brief affair with a female acquaintance that I dearly paid for by both the damage I did to myself and character not to mention the damage to the trust afforded by my wife. She seems to really never let it go. But it was one time and I had hoped on learning from the mistake and just moving on from it. About 10 years ago, we got involved in swinging. Swinging is having intimacy with other couples. Full swap or 4 somesomes were the norm. We did this off and on for about 2 years til an abrupt end. She felt she did not like it and wanted out. So that is what we did.
Now advance to Mar 2008, this gets interesting. If you do the math, we had been monogomous for the last 8 years. She mentions to me that she would like to get back into swinging again. I found this quite shocking as this was a full reversal of her previous attitude. I challenged the thought and she informed me that she had wanted to engage in online intimacies with her boyfriends in SecondLife. Well I was weak and bought into it. But, never really felt comfortable with the decision and after a few breif trists with other couples said I was not doing this anymore and also felt that the online engagements should also stop.
This was the beginning of the end of end. yes, I believe our marriage was all but over long before and this was the perverbial crowbar that tore it apart. I have to take a significant part of the responsibility of the end of marriage but it is my belief that the SecondLife phenomena had a significant effect on her ability to make a sound judgement. I make mention of our well to do life and she chose to reject it. This was also hastened by bad advise from her so called online friends in SecondLife. i have discovered the conversations she left behind on the family computer and was in awe with the feeding of her mental state by a series of freindly advise not to mention a visit with a SeconfdLife Tarot card reader which also fed this. I also discovered that 3 of her many Secondlife friends had been going through a divorce since their inception into the community. Can’t say it’s realted but find it disturbing that this community is a conduit for the destructuction of marriage and most importantly the decay of the physical relation to the world. My wife has also strained and limited physical contact with our kids. The kids however are ever supportive of my pain and visit me quite frequently. She chooses isolation.
Now here we are today, the filing of a divorce and her subsequent restraining order petitoned against me preventing me any contact with her mostly in SecondLife. And most perplexing, that same order of protection prevents me from any contact with her selct SecondLife friends online in which I find hard to believe as that they are psuedonyms. how do you protect a virtual person as opposed to real person from alleged harrassment?
Well anyway, thought I would share this with the world and at time of this blog I have to say I am excited about the possibilities of my future and have been dating. i will not let this hold me back and I do genuinely hope that my soon to be ex-wife finds some sort of happiness. I have regrets but I am far from appologizing or forgiving but hope to get there.
John said,
September 22, 2008 at 12:57 pm
BTW – This is a grab from ex-rife’s SL profile. “”Words cannot express the feelings in ones soul, but I have found that Sl comes close to doing so. I love the lack of physicial filters, here we meet souls:) “”
Really? If anyone can explain what the heck that means, I’d appreciate it. I myself prefer the reality of the physical world though sometimes it is a challenge but, we are only human.
“We love because it’s the only true adventure.” « Karasu said,
October 15, 2008 at 10:17 pm
[...] “Is second Life Shaking up Your Marriage, You’re not alone” (July 8, 2008) by the “Cindy Kesey Show” talks about the changes in society, wonders about how those changes affect long term relationships and speculates about how that leads to virtual relationships. Regina Lynn of “Wired” warns “Don’t Dismiss Online Relationships as Fantasy.” [...]
Sea said,
February 18, 2009 at 3:11 am
Wonderful blog!
Honestly, here’s my personal experience in SL: been playing the game since August 2007.
I’m married, RL, my husband plays SL as well. We run our sim together. Sit, side by side, whenever we are playing together. Talk and laugh about the fun we are having.
I never looked for anything else in SL: personal relationships, emotional affairs, nothing.
My attitude in SL is clear, I do not share my RL with any avatar I don’t know. My husband and I use voice chat a lot, so, we actually chat with people from all over the world and we have made friends!! It’s true.
It’s my choice to use this wonderful tool to add fun to my life, my husband does the same. We actually share our Second Lives, we did not “patner” in SL.
Just have fun, and also learn and practice my skills in a virtual world. The web and computers were never very important for me. So, I’m learning to make furniture, to script, I just take this “tool” as I said before and use it to my best interest.
I must say I am not looking for emotional attachments of any kind. Not in RL nor in SL – I love my husband; so my family lives peacefully with the game.
Somehow, SL seems to be the utmost experience on the web in “finding something we miss in our real lives”. Do you remember the beginning of “simple” chat rooms? The same thing happened!
I always like to remind people not to blame a simple game of our own internal and emotional situations. It’s so easy to blame it on a game and not look at us , first…
Addiction, yes, it may happen. Like all addictions, it means something for us, inside us… lets look in , search for the answers there.
Well, this is my opinion, anyway.
Rod said,
February 23, 2009 at 1:19 pm
My wife goes on for hours at a time and its so bad that she has gotten bed sores and bruises from sitting so long.Im worried about her and one guy in sl wants to call her and I said if he does im gone.She ignores our daughter while shes on and im at work.I love her with all my heart.What do I do?
mikah said,
March 9, 2009 at 12:06 am
I am married for 2 years now.My husband left me just to be with her second life partner.
Now i am dying inside.
Rod said,
March 9, 2009 at 6:32 am
Mikah I know how you feel.Weve been together almost 9 years and ive never felt so alone and empty.Sending a big hug your way.Its his loss
Chaz Maz said,
March 11, 2009 at 12:53 pm
Second Life: Land of the WEAK home of the BROKEN
First of all, I have been there, have done that. Had clubs, owned land, made friends, money, and fell in love. Second life on the surface, especially for the newbie and Entrepreneur/artist is a fun and cool place to make some friends, and make some money. It is looked at as supercharged chat room, a video game. But the nature of its name is where the insidiousness is. As much of a second life (SL) as it might be, in order to operate you still have to use your Real Life (RL) abilities. You do not follow a different thought and emotional pattern when in SL. You can only use what you know in RL. But kidding yourself is one of the appeals of SL. You eventually get lost in it.
At first it is new and exciting. Like a new video game. Learning the functions that move your avatar around, visiting places and socializing with the natives. You are perfect, and you can fly. No sickness, no need for money (well not as much) and people don’t have bad breath and, as a “normal”, “intelligent” person, it is an interesting place to explore and learn. But it eventually becomes one of three things. 1. Boring, like a video game you have played over and over. 2. An environment to explore your creative ability to design and sell things. Or, 3 it consumes your psyche.
The first two are what they are; the third is the meat and potatoes of SL. This is the one that is more consistent. Do you really think the folks at Linden Labs are spending their free time on SL.? No, they are spending the money they are making in RL (SL is a business so it is RL for them) on RL things.
There comes a saturation point where you walk away or get sucked in. I will say this for the last time and it does not apply to you newbie’s, or the smart ones that are making money off the lonely. It is a place to hide from reality. It is a place where weak, lost souls go to escape from the depth and breadth of life. I will allow some latitude for you shut-ins. Some people have nothing else but the four walls of the room they are in. SL can provide a form of “human” entertainment that they otherwise would not be able to get. But, that just causes the shut-in to let go of their emotional self being even greater. This is a hard pill to swallow, no one wants to take a good look at them selves and most do not. But the covert nature of SL allows you to cut loose. Sort of the absolute power corrupts absolutely theory. People that stay too long get lost in it. And yes, justifying all the way, that it is just a game. For the predator, and a predator is weak by nature, it is a place to be free of thought and persecution. To dominate the weak that makes SL their home. And, it is a place for the weak to not be judged, a place that they can feel and accept that who they are is ok, even if it is with the few. Some people can handle the trials and tribulations of life, some can’t and they end up in SL. You start to see a symbiotic circle of relationships in SL. For the people designing objects to sell, they may not interact totally and directly with the person/s and, their sales may come from across the board. The newbie that is playing the “game” to the obsessed, but, the obsessed is a long term customer. Theses business individuals usually get in, add new product, convert their lindens to dollars or pounds and get out.
The tragedy is the weak and broken. Don’t roll your eyes, In the Real World we are always conned with flashy marketing to get us to buy something or believe something in order to buy a product. Magic cream or potion. Don’t kid yourself; Second Life is about making money. Making money off of what? Our loneliness and our lack of self worth in the real world. HELLO, McFly!! It is called Second Life.
It might be simple, you build a club, people come and visit or create a group, and you solicit for members. People get together and boom, you feel wanted and needed. Building your dream home in the clouds and littering your lawn with cool things like jets and swimming pools. That can make you popular. Walking in a park with your perfect Avatar girlfriend/boyfriend, no RL issues so it is a perfect relationship. That leads to good puppet sex. Mmmm nice. All this is accomplished by tugging on your weakness, your emotional frailty. Either you are not getting it in RL or are too afraid to face the truth of how to exist in RL. You can’t handle the truth and if you are a long term SL puppet, you just can’t handle life, Real Life. Don’t get me wrong, we all like to escape from time to time.
In some places it is much darker, like I said before, predators hunting the weak. The Gorean Master and the slaves that he takes control of. This one is unusual, in that the Master has total control over the slave. The “slave” giving not only total control of their Avatar, and who can communicate to them, but also, control as to when they will or will not talk to what they can wear. Believe me this does carry over to real life. Imagine the fun of kneeling next to your Avatar Master and saying nothing. Second life being nothing more then a place to be told what to do, serving fake food and ale. You want to call it guided, or taught? Hey, what ever floats your boat? I know just a video game, right? This setup just allows the predator to get in that persons head and develop a false sense of security. Tell that to your husband, wife, girlfriend, or boyfriend. Why you are glued to the PC instead of enjoying life, REAL LIFE. And, couples also get on there too, as couples, this is a nutty one. Worked hard all week, beautiful weekend, and, you both are on a computer, every free moment, building and designing that special home, having that child you never could have. (Yes, people do play the part of the child.) I find it unhealthy when instead of developing a better real life and real relationship in RL. You take that precious time and waste it. Yes, ok… You are free to do what you want. But there are plenty of damaged people on SL. And your fantasy could be causing them to loose sense of reality, along with your lost sense of reality. Their marriages, get funky, destroyed, their children get neglected. And you get a ridiculous God complex that makes you anti social in the Real World, which just plummets yourself deeper in to SL. Cha Ching! Sweet business you got Linden People.
You have the 50+ couple that spends every “free” moment in SL being the King and Queen. Oh, and so good to their obedient subjects. At their beckons call, at their total command. Or, the sexual perverts. Ok, my opinion….. That can now live out the fantasy of doing it with a farm animal. Or, kneeling down and being the public toilet. Sex is rampant in SL. The anonymous nature of your avatar is something too. You really do not know if the man is a woman or the woman is a man, plenty of men that are living out their desire to be a Transsexual, or a woman. Plenty of women that want to love another woman, so she hides in the body of a man. I guess what you don’t know won’t hurt you. Hey, no one is getting hurt, no aids. Nicey nice. The soul is willing but the flesh is weak. So, the wall that SL provides, allows for an easier transition to experiment. Sad part is as your getting deeper and deeper; you are getting more lost in fantasy then reality and they start to blend. Actually, you probably were lost between the two to begin with. Now you go out into the real world. Take a break; meet one of your SL friends. Break the rule, cross that line; remember SL and RL are supposed to be two different places. People meet up, some get married, the rare few. But mostly it is a letdown, disappointment, and harm to others. It is a dirty little secret. Who wants to tell people that you got into that trouble because you decided to meet your “make believe” friend?
Lips stay sealed, people get hurt. And in the end, the only place they feel right, the only place that people understand is right back on Second Life. CHA CHING!
Cole said,
March 11, 2009 at 1:24 pm
Same here Rod and Mikah, and John. Wife left last week. Literally eat and breath SL. Found out that she was and still is having a relationship in SL. Sex involve. Notice whilst she was still here that the webcam and headphone was in constant use. Never thought anything of it, but when she left and I did some searching I now know why.
It beggars believe that she throw 8 years of being together and being married for some guy she told me, when questioned, that is ‘happily married’. I’m now trying to put my life together and move on. Sad for relationships.
Sea said,
March 12, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Please, don’t take my words as an offense, they are not…
But, people should really look to their RL first… SL will never break a stable marriage. Something must have been wrong before wives or husbands enter this metaverse universe.
It’s something that really doesn’t make sense to me… leave my husband because of a game? Or my family? It doesn’t make sense to me.
If I had the slightest idea that was my feeling, I’d look into myself , to my marriage, first. I never blame my own actions on somebody else’s actions for my own reactions. Even less… a game.
It’s simply another way of escaping RL, really.
Chaz Maz said,
March 12, 2009 at 3:43 pm
No, we can stick our necks out and say. Nothing will break a stable marriage. But, if you play with fire you are going to get burned. Go for a walk, talk, hold hands. Fall a sleep together on the couch. Or lock yourself away in a room on cyberspace. They say family starts at home. Being on SL is a sign that you do not have a stable marriage or eventually will not. Just like anything, too much excess is not a good thing. Unless it is making love with you significant other. In real life.
Cindy Kesey said,
March 12, 2009 at 6:14 pm
I love all the dialog on the blog. Diverse perspectives are a good thing. So please keep them coming.
I mostly agree that Second Life seems to have a greater potential to highlight unstable RL relationships, rather than shoring them up. However I don’t agree that only your RL partner/significant other is the only one who can make you happy. I think there is a reason so many people are literally flocking to Second Life in search of something they aren’t getting in their lives at home…and that lack doesn’t necessarily imply their partners aren’t giving it to them.
I’ve found that the chemical response to emotional stimuli in SL closely resembles that of many drugs including alcohol, psychotropics, etc. So we react in much the same way; we want more and more. Just like the alcoholic doesn’t necessarily imply a bad relationship, neither does getting caught up in a SL romance imply that somehow someone’s marriage is lacking or that they have found the avatar of their dreams.
I cannot stress enough the importance of honest and open communication when it comes to SL and relationships, both in and out of world. Judgement, accusations, guilt, anger–all those emotions do little to help provide an open space where people can look candidly and critically at why they are there and what it is bringing them that their RL isn’t.
Chaz Maz said,
March 17, 2009 at 9:13 am
“and that lack doesn’t necessarily imply their partners aren’t giving it to them.”
We are all allowed to escape from time to time. Some go to the gym, some to the beach, some get a hobby. But, when interacting in a way that exposes your emotional self. You have to let some of your guard down in order to communicate with others. Adding the extreme fantasy realm that SL provides. It gets dicey very quickly. Some get in, play around and get out. No harm no foul.
Plenty of people do that. But the soup and nuts of the SL environment depends on you hanging on,. Then the question is hanging on to what.?
Tricia said,
June 12, 2009 at 11:34 pm
My boyrfriend dj’s at different clubs. He dj’s every night, except, Saturdays. I found out that he has a girlfriend in the game. When I confronted him about it, he says that she is a girl who comes to the events he dj’s, and they hang out. But on her profile, she has sentences from their conversations that he is telling her that she is the best girlfriend. Of course, that hurts me a lot. But he says it is not cheating. My opinion, it is. Not physically, but emotionally. Plus he has sex in the game. And he gets off on it. So, even though is no touching, there is still physically stuff going on. And he, I think, SKYPE. I think that is when he is able to talk to people. I just don’t know what to do. All he says is it is cheating if they meet in RL. And he says that will never happen.
Rod said,
June 13, 2009 at 7:10 am
my ex goes to alot of those clubs and says that she has a boyfriend thats a dj.Whats your mans girlfriends name on there?
Tricia said,
June 13, 2009 at 8:42 am
Her name starts with an L. It’s probably not her. There are tons of DJ’s in SL.
Cindy Kesey said,
June 13, 2009 at 8:13 am
@Tricia
The question of “cheating” in SL is complex. Do you think it’s cheating if your BF fantasizes and gets off thinking about another woman while masturbating? What happens in SL, while seeming very real, is in fact, just an experience that happens through our imaginations in our brains. That’s one of the things that makes is both intense and unreal at the same time.
What I want to ask you more about is the health of YOUR relationship with your BF, not his relationship with his SL gf (and for the record–yes he is probably emotionally involved, and yes he’s probably Skyping her). How long have you two been together? How is the intensity of your relationship? What things do you both do regularly to stoke the fire between you?
I ask these questions because they have a lot to do with why/whether men & women cheat. I believe feelings for others are natural and what’s unnatural is to turn them off when we get in a committed relationship. Ignoring them only makes them fester.
What makes more sense to me is to talk about them. Try not to be defensive when your BF talks about his SL gf, but instead ask with genuine curiosity. Try to realize that, simply b/c he’s emotionally attracted to someone else, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s no longer emotionally attracted or committed to you.
I’m reading a fascinating book about “cheating” called “Lust in Translation.” It’s all about how different cultures view cheating. While the book doesn’t condone cheating, it does point out how we’ve grown as a society to so vilify even the concept of extramarital intimacy. And in so doing we’ve essentially stifled our ability to discuss the reasons in rational terms. To me this is extremely dangerous.
I do wish you the best of luck. Please feel free to check back. Many of my readers have wise words on this subject. I’m sure they–like me–are happy to help.
Dennis said,
June 16, 2009 at 4:51 am
Great blog. I too am watching SL: help with the destruction of my marriage. She spends most waking moments in SL, has close opposite sex “friends” and generally wanted very little to do with me. I have to share the blame here too, I’m far from a perfect husband but I still think I deserve better than this. At this point, all I can be is a spectator in the mess.
My wife’s avi is very popular, she goes to clubs and it does start with an L.
Chaz Maz said,
June 30, 2009 at 7:50 am
“Try to realize that, simply b/c he’s emotionally attracted to someone else, that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s no longer emotionally attracted or committed to you.”
That is like saying that even if he is having sex with the next door neighbor since he still want ot have sex with you too. Then there is still an emotional relationship “commitment” to you. That lie if you want to believe it is not how a secure and long lasting relationship works.
“At this point, all I can be is a spectator in the mess.”
That attitude is what got you in that situation to begin with.
She is your wife, put your foot down. Make the time and find the time to spend the time together then on that crap place.
If you cant or she wont. Then she is not committed to the Marriage or sees that SL is more important then you.
Chaz Maz said,
June 30, 2009 at 8:04 am
One more thing…
“The question of “cheating” in SL is complex. Do you think it’s cheating if your BF fantasizes and gets off thinking about another woman while masturbating?”
You are kidding me right? Complex? Sounds like you are fooling yourself in order to have something you should not. How old are you? I do not say that with disrespect . But, that is an opinion of someone that has not had enough life experience.
Fantasy is one thing. Physically interacting is another. Whether it be physical or “Virtual.” It all starts with communication. THAT removes the fantasy and makes it reality. SL is not fantasy or roll playing. That is the big lie.
When people interact they are using their real human emotional and communicational abilities.
It is one thing to masturbate thinking of some fantasy girl or boy, but if you are on the phone with them. Or in the room. It is a whole other ball game.
Fantasy can bring you to the arms of your lover. Create an option to meet that fantasy and you might just end up in the arms of another. That possibility should not be there.
You put a seat belt on for a reason.
imdoingit said,
July 11, 2009 at 4:23 am
well I will juss say this….I got hurt by my hubby in rl he cheated on me with my best friend so there went love and trust out the window…..I met someone very special to me in sl while me and my ex was trying to “work” things out….and it turned out that I fell in deep love on sl with another man that made me feel loved and special and we spent hrs laughing and talking and hes not a sex addict like my ex lol…..so thats what happened to me but my marraige was ruined first ….had this been b4 the cheating I cant say I wld have partaken in such cause I did love my husband till he betrayed me in real life:(