Could You Be The Reason He’s Having Second Life Sex?

October 26, 2008 at 6:59 pm (dishonesty, Friendship, Infidelity, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Second Life, Sex) (, )

Yesterday was a good friend of mine’s RL (real life) birthday. We were excitedly discussing all the fun things he’d done and I asked him how his birthday sex was. (We all get birthday sex, don’t we??). He sighed and told me of the ravishing way his wife of 25 years had rocked his mind with his birthday sex–I’m kidding. He begrudgingly lamented on how he’d laid in bed for quite awhile waiting for her to initiate (she’d told him earlier in the day he’d be getting some) and finally, following several awkwardly silent minutes, she sniped “well, are you just going to lie there?”

While this scenario might sound shocking to some of you, it is indicative of a stark reality many married couples face today. Ladies, it appears we have locked our legs closed–and in many cases our hearts as well–and in doing so shut our husbands off from the critical intimacy they need to feel connected to us. And it is this lack of intimacy and connection that is causing husbands to flee into the arms–and legs– of other women, whether in real or Second Life.

According to a study documented in a new book by Gary Neuman titled The Truth About Cheating, it is estimated that 1 in 2.7 men will cheat on their wives or partners. The study also found that 92% of cheating men say sex wasn’t the primary reason for the affair. It was an emotional disconnection, brought on by a lack of appreciation for them from their wives, that led men down that often rocky road.

For many men who are having sex with their wives on a regular basis, they often remain the initiators and instigators of physical intimacy. This also dampens the connection felt by a husband for his wife. Where we may have been sexual vixens before marriage and children, many of us wives are now not the sexual dynamos we once were. Our sexy underwear and short skirts have been replaced by comfortable cotton panties and sweats.

Enter Second Life. SL has evolved for many as a virtual dating and sex chat room, complete with amorous avatar animations that might have even the most liberal of us fanning the crimson heat of our blushed faces. But what it really provides is a playground where people can find new and interesting friends. And often those friendships are evolving into romantic relationships. Why? Simply because these new folks are finding the men and women they meet fascinating. And that is a feeling many married men haven’t felt from their wives in…well…what seems like forever.

In addition to these new lovers lavishing long sought after praise on their new online paramours, in Second Life ladies are also playing the part of new girlfriend–donning their avatars in sexy clothing and speaking sexy phrases men have often only heard from their wives in their fantasies.

So what does this all mean? I assert that if we want to create an environment where our husbands won’t feel tempted to try a tryst in real or Second Life, we women have to get back in the game–the romance game. It’s time we start admiring our husbands for all they DO contribute and stop demeaning them for what they don’t. It’s also time that we get our sexy back and woo our partners into the bedroom, whether we feel like it or not.

We should invest in some scrumptiously sexy lingerie to show him we care. If our sexual drive has diminished to a dribble, we must seek professional help. Because it is completely unrealistic for us to expect our husbands to abstain from sex or to be the sole initiators of physical intimacy. That only serves to breed bitterness and boredom.

Am I saying here that men are entirely blameless when it comes to affairs? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that we women must recognize our contributions to the climate and the power we have to help create an environment so savory our loving husbands wouldn’t want to stray.

RESOURCES:
Sex & Intimacy: What Men Want by David LeClaire
The Sex Starved Marriage by Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis
Besides Sex, Other Reasons Men Cheat, CNN

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The Waxing and Waning of our Second Lives

October 3, 2008 at 5:38 pm (Life, Relationships, Second Life, Second Life addiction) (, )

I feel obligated to apologize for the slow trickle of blog posts from me over the last couple months. I’m not one to offer lame excuses for my lack of compelling content. But actually this is exactly what I wanted to talk about today. Over the last couple months my real life has gotten astonishingly busy. [incidentally I’ve thought a lot about the use of “1st life” vs. “real life” as an antonym to Second Life and I feel compelled to continue to use the expression RL, if simply to remind us all that yes, this life our flesh is living is real, the second one is not.] I barely have enough time to squeeze in the normal obligations of life every day, much less to pump energy into a second one.

So my beautiful house stands vacant on the beach, the wind–if there was any on SL–tosses my curtains around gently and the soothing sounds of waves bounce off my empty walls. I’m not there to enjoy the World->Environmental Settings->Sunset. And my mailbox is constantly overflowing with junk mail–I mean important group announcements for events I won’t attend. Has this ever happened to you? You find your free time gobbled up by the daily routine and soon your once smoldering Second Life screeches to a shocking halt.

Or perhaps my schedule hasn’t changed all that much. Maybe I’ve just noticed that SL has lost a bit of its luster. The list of events seems surprisingly similar to the list I looked at last night and the night prior. The little dings of chats that once poured in by the bucketful have dwindled. The mediocrity of some of the SL musicians has me clutching my ears begging to make it stop. And even the farthest reaches of the most fabulous sims seem, well, stale.

Ok, so honestly it’s probably a little bit of both. But what I’ve learned lately is that our engagements in our Second Lives wax and wane like the monthly metamorphosis of our moon–that is, if we’re healthy. Where I was once sad when I found a friend had disappeared for stretches of time I realize now that they were just taking care of business. Real life needs work. And if we’re engaged in a second–or fantasy–life too deeply, we’re most certainly depriving the roots of our real existence of the most essential and rich nutrients required for us to grow and flourish.

I realize there are many of us whose lives are so painful we retreat into our Second LIves to simply give us some room to breathe. I get that. Although I’d like to suggest even those of us in this situation take a long look at some solid steps–even if they are baby steps–we can take to make real changes in the lives we hide from.

So in the spirit of finding balance, why not take this moment to think of five other things you could do besides sit at your computer staring at your avatar as he or she gallops around the grid. If you don’t like TV, find some new books to read, call an old friend you haven’t spoken to in awhile, or make a cup of hot tea and just sit calmly. Because Second Life can be fun, when played in moderation. It can also be dangerously all-consuming. And when that happens, my friends, we run the risk of losing what’s most important to us: our real selves.

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