Could You Be The Reason He’s Having Second Life Sex?

October 26, 2008 at 6:59 pm (dishonesty, Friendship, Infidelity, Life, Love, Marriage, Relationships, Second Life, Sex) (, )

Yesterday was a good friend of mine’s RL (real life) birthday. We were excitedly discussing all the fun things he’d done and I asked him how his birthday sex was. (We all get birthday sex, don’t we??). He sighed and told me of the ravishing way his wife of 25 years had rocked his mind with his birthday sex–I’m kidding. He begrudgingly lamented on how he’d laid in bed for quite awhile waiting for her to initiate (she’d told him earlier in the day he’d be getting some) and finally, following several awkwardly silent minutes, she sniped “well, are you just going to lie there?”

While this scenario might sound shocking to some of you, it is indicative of a stark reality many married couples face today. Ladies, it appears we have locked our legs closed–and in many cases our hearts as well–and in doing so shut our husbands off from the critical intimacy they need to feel connected to us. And it is this lack of intimacy and connection that is causing husbands to flee into the arms–and legs– of other women, whether in real or Second Life.

According to a study documented in a new book by Gary Neuman titled The Truth About Cheating, it is estimated that 1 in 2.7 men will cheat on their wives or partners. The study also found that 92% of cheating men say sex wasn’t the primary reason for the affair. It was an emotional disconnection, brought on by a lack of appreciation for them from their wives, that led men down that often rocky road.

For many men who are having sex with their wives on a regular basis, they often remain the initiators and instigators of physical intimacy. This also dampens the connection felt by a husband for his wife. Where we may have been sexual vixens before marriage and children, many of us wives are now not the sexual dynamos we once were. Our sexy underwear and short skirts have been replaced by comfortable cotton panties and sweats.

Enter Second Life. SL has evolved for many as a virtual dating and sex chat room, complete with amorous avatar animations that might have even the most liberal of us fanning the crimson heat of our blushed faces. But what it really provides is a playground where people can find new and interesting friends. And often those friendships are evolving into romantic relationships. Why? Simply because these new folks are finding the men and women they meet fascinating. And that is a feeling many married men haven’t felt from their wives in…well…what seems like forever.

In addition to these new lovers lavishing long sought after praise on their new online paramours, in Second Life ladies are also playing the part of new girlfriend–donning their avatars in sexy clothing and speaking sexy phrases men have often only heard from their wives in their fantasies.

So what does this all mean? I assert that if we want to create an environment where our husbands won’t feel tempted to try a tryst in real or Second Life, we women have to get back in the game–the romance game. It’s time we start admiring our husbands for all they DO contribute and stop demeaning them for what they don’t. It’s also time that we get our sexy back and woo our partners into the bedroom, whether we feel like it or not.

We should invest in some scrumptiously sexy lingerie to show him we care. If our sexual drive has diminished to a dribble, we must seek professional help. Because it is completely unrealistic for us to expect our husbands to abstain from sex or to be the sole initiators of physical intimacy. That only serves to breed bitterness and boredom.

Am I saying here that men are entirely blameless when it comes to affairs? Absolutely not. What I am saying is that we women must recognize our contributions to the climate and the power we have to help create an environment so savory our loving husbands wouldn’t want to stray.

Sex & Intimacy: What Men Want by David LeClaire
The Sex Starved Marriage by Dr. Michele Weiner-Davis
Besides Sex, Other Reasons Men Cheat, CNN


  1. Steph Z said,

    Hiya Cindy,

    Your blog is as entertaining and thoughtful as ever. Maintaining a sex drive should be team work. We, men I mean, are often a bit more aggressive I think, but I find that if I strive to keep my wife on her toes, staying tender, occasionally whispering sweet (or downright XXX) nothings in her ear, she eventually will do the same – though in her shy, too well brought up way (hey, you wouldn’t expect a comment on marriage not to take a stab at mother-in-laws right?).

    It doesn’t have to be lingerie – just a new suggestion, a different place, a different time of day, a different gesture, can be enough. The fact is, as a married couple, it’s hard to get surprised just with cosmetics or a new wrapper… even if the wrapper comes from Wolford. But surprising your partner with a new desire, ever showing a new part of yourself, keeping it playful in other words, does wonders.

  2. Cindy Kesey said,

    Hi Steph Z,

    Great point, sometimes mere changes in attire can seem contrived and out of character. You’re absolutely right that taking initiative, of any kind, can help revive a perhaps formerly stale love life. All too often we women rely on the men in our lives to drive that train. We forget that the responsibility is ours as well.

    I for one can say that once I started paying more attention to my own efforts in being a sexual person–feeling sexy, taking initiative, being creative, showing desire–the rewards in intimacy from my husband were earth shaking. As a by product he even started helping out more around the house. Go figure!

  3. Elliot Lockhart said,

    Woo, Woo, Woo-bee-doo!

    Excellent points, all. I would also maintain that full on WOO (i.e., going from 0 to 100) might scare the pants off of any man (wait, maybe this is the desired result :*) ) . Like, “whoa!” And in fact many sitcoms have made use of this humorous device to great effect. Then after the “whoa moment”, suspicion may creep in. (“hmmm… why is she coming on so strong?”)

    So my recommendation, is for the subtle woo as Steph Z alluded to. Perhaps just a pre-coital reach of the woman’s hand to her husband’s, with a slight stroke of the thumb is a nice start, accompanied by an “I love you, sweetie.” Now that’s a beautiful (but possibly hard!) first step on the road to Victoria’s Secret.

    Thanks, Steph Z. (and of course, our gorgeous hostess, the inimitable Cindy Kesey!)

  4. Peter Stindberg said,

    /me sighs – a 14 month long “dry” period ended for me 3 weeks ago (and incidentally a by now 3 week long dry period started the following day). There is so much I could say to this topic…

  5. Zippora Zabelin said,

    I’m the last to deny that both partners should take some effort to keep their relationship and sexlife vivid. True and wise words as usually, Cindy 🙂
    I only wonder why in articles and research apparently the accent is always on the men who are cheating. Is it the old prejudice that girls are good and boys are naughty? I don’t believe that. I bet, there are as many women playing around as men. But that doesn’t take away the fact that they probably are missing some inimacy at home, as much as many men.

  6. FreeSpirit Vaher said,

    Women are often not getting in RL what they need, as well as men.
    What should a wife do when her husband tells her simply that he has no more sexual desire, for her or anyone else, he is not capable of an erection? What if the wife tries to initiate only to be kissed tenderly and told to go to sleep. What if a husband says that she is just ‘too much’ and he doesn’t want sex anymore?
    What if a medical condition precludes sexual intimacy for the man and he decides to accept it and expects her to do the same?
    Obviously this should be discussed with a doctor, but what if the man chooses not to do that..what if the wife doesn’t want to lose a marriage and after some years of pain, finally accepts the way it is going to be forever?
    Perhaps she finds a lover in SL and is honest with him, finds the sexual happiness she needs and wants with one of the men who is doing the same.
    Let’s not blame women every time for this. It is as painful and sad when a husband will no longer have sex with his wife as it is when the wife turns away from a husband.

  7. Cindy Kesey said,

    HI FreeSpirit – thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I agree entirely that is is challenging when either spouse–whether it’s the husband or the wife–is left in the cold because the lack of sexual contact from the other. I didn’t write much about the woman’s point of view simply because I have more experience hearing from men who are faced with this situation. But you’re absolutely right, it is sad when it happens from either side.

    And I simply don’t understand people who refuse to seek medical help if that effort might help deepen their connection with their spouse. To me that “do nothing” approach speaks loudly to how much that person wants to work to make the marriage successful. And that is a bigger problem than simply missing a bit of action.

  8. mistyisforeverlost said,

    I can actually agree with just about everything that you have written and was reminded of a few things.

    However, as a wife of almost 20 years I am really looking forward to hopefully reading the flip side…what can a husband do to keep his wife interested and not straying.

    I figure if I’m going to be reminded of how to woo the man, I should be able to point him here and remind him how to woo the wife!

    No pressure or anything of course 😉

  9. Steph Z said,

    Hi Misty…

    I think most of the suggestions in the thread apply equally to both genders… To me, the one thing is not to become complacent. Let me explain.

    Of course, sex becomes more of a routine after several years with the same partner (18 in my case…!), but that’s also what makes the tenderness, intimacy, familiarity, of a relationship – the trust that builds making love into a, relaxing, no pressure, soothing dance. And that’s good.

    But not being complacent means not forgetting the basics. When you expect to be making love in the night… shave, take a shower, perfume yourself before going to bed… Try and keep yourself fit (I know, easier said than done). In other words, do not let your partner feel that he/she is just a “given”.

    And also, take advantage of those years to grow in intimacy. What does your partner likes and dislikes? What are his/her fantasies? Where and how does he/she likes to be touched? You should know all that and make use of the knowledge each and every time.

    But also, bring surprise to your bed. Tease your partner out of his/her comfort zone, not to push outside boundaries if they’re strong, but just to keep on showing your desire, to express that they are games beyond what you’re already doing together – even if those territories are not explored, they bring depth and tension to your relationship.

    As I said in my previous post, it’s all about keeping it playful !

  10. Steph Z said,

    Awwwww Myl,

    Maybe you could try: “wake up kick in the groin…. check” ?

    Leave me a time and message in SL and come say hello some time, I’m not that often on anymore but let’s not lose contact!


  11. chrissy said,

    This is crap, Im married 19 years I dress sexy I iduldge every fantasy he could have
    in a slow week we still had sex 4x
    I work full time and have 2 daughters 13 & 17
    I told him on a daily bases how much I apprciated him and what a good husband and father he is .
    I love sports and are told offen asked by men who know me if I have any sister
    or what a great marriage I have
    Im 44 most people think im in my early 30

    well I just found out he’s been cyber cheatiing for over a year.. cheating no matter how they do it are selfish and self center and it destroyes everyone around them.

    and the men who complain about there wives.
    what have they done to keep the spark alive, how many times do they dress up for their wives or ask what there fantasy is

    or do they do there own thing all day then hope into bed and cant understand what happen to the woman they married ..

    Am i angry HELL YES Ive followed all the advise Ive ever read to keep your man happy

    maybe if these men spent the time they are cheating and complaining on there marriage they might have a diffrent outcome

  12. Elliot Lockhart said,

    Hi, Chrissy.

    Want to date? ;*)

    Sorry, couldn’t resist. Bad of me, I know.

    But seriously… when I find that something has gone wrong in my life… probably the first thing I ask is “why?” I (both to my detriment and benefit) like to think about things a lot. So perhaps you might go at it from a curiosity point. Do you have access to a couples therapist? A few sessions couldn’t hurt. Therapist can dig where you’re not used to digging. Talking to your spouse more couldn’t hurt. Perhaps it’s all him. Perhaps you’re doing everything right. But I would go with an open mind and open heart into the situation and look, look, look. And ask questions! And talk, talk, talk with your husband.

    Go to it without hurt (if you can – I know that’s hard) and act like a detective. You just want the truth. Nothing more.

    You might learn some things that surprise you.

    I have.

    And I am SO not done learning.

    Yours in investigation,


  13. Sheereorderry said,

    first time here, test posting only

  14. Rebeca Fernandez said,

    My husband, Mark Sivy, has multiple avatars on Second Life and use them to cheat on me. I think there is nothing wrong with our sex life. He is just a jerk. Look here:

  15. Mickey said,

    Sex is a natural human needs. If one doesn’t get it at home, he/she will find it somewhere else.

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